Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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