So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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