i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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