You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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