somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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