He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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