I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
