The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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