watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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