Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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