My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
