yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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