apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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