dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Someone came in the potted fern
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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