Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize