Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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