cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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