From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i've created a new STD.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
