Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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