when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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