It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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