oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it's great music for shaving your balls
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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