Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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