Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
