I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well you can't waste a boner
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
