You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
