I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
