If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize