Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
