i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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