I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
