i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
