this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
