I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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