we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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