when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
