I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The struggles of a small town man whore
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
