I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
