Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
