So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
