Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
