Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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