just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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