the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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