She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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