Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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