It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
