The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
