You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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