I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
