at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
