I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
