Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Are my feet made of real feet?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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