sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
