ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
